( a look at ) Dave's Waves by David Fasgold
The disturbing things I see on television often amaze me. It’s not only the content of the shows that bothers me—it’s the commercials.
For example, a recent Burger King commercial is particularly troublesome. It starts out with a guy waking up in the morning. He opens his eyes to find the Burger King—a guy dressed up in a festive outfit, wearing a mask and a crown—in bed with him. No words are exchanged between them; they simply stare at each other until the king gives the man a plate containing a breakfast sandwich. I’m sure the commercial is totally innocent, but something about it still triggers my gag reflex.
The other commercials I’m sick of are the ones selling drugs. The side effects appear worse than the problems that are supposed to be cured. Buy our Zocor, and lower your cholesterol at the expense of other important bodily functions. Take this Rogaine, and have a full head of hair at your funeral. We’ll cure your IBS, but your intestines will fall out. Have some Levitra, win friends and influence people…and then call the emergency room four hours later. I can only imagine the laughter from the operator who answers that call.
What about the actors that play in these commercials? They are either: A) very well paid; B) desperate for work; or C) just not embarrassed by anything. I’ll bet their families are proud. I can see it now: the family is sitting in front of the television, eating popcorn, waiting to see their kid starring in a laxative commercial. (Don’t forget to set the VCR, so grandma can see it!) I can also imagine the actors on the set, asking the director questions like "what’s my motivation?"
But the commercial that really ticks me off is the one advertising collector coins made from silver collected at Ground Zero. For a limited time, the coins were selling for "only" $19.99. Luckily, the government stepped in and put a stop to that. I hope they deport the jerk that came up with the idea.
Once again, I hope you have enjoyed my weekly column. Side effects include nausea, vomiting and high fever. It’s too bad you can’t get a flu shot.
David Fasgold is the Editor of
Next year marks an historic event in our household, as my wife and I are going to have our first kid.
Up until this point, I have been the only child in the house. Ahead of me lies the unpleasant task of putting all of toys in safe places so they don’t get broken, slobbered on, or worse.
Construction on the kid—which we are 99 percent sure is a little boy—is currently on schedule. We are hoping for an early March release date.
The prospect of being a parent is a terrifying experience. No more free time. No more sleep. No more extra money.
Besides those inconveniences, it will be a fun experience. I will have someone to play with. In a few years, we can play video games together. I will also have someone to ride dirt bikes with.
My wife was a little disappointed when she found out she would be having a boy. She really wanted a girl, even though everyone says we should be relieved that we’re having a boy.
Little girls are cute, but there are many advantages to having a boy:
1) Some boys will work. For example, my nephew and Kevin’s kid, Joey, stayed at our house recently. They mowed the lawn took care of the weeds. What did they charge me for this service? Absolutely nothing.
2) Boys are low maintenance. They don’t sit around and talk about yucky stuff, like feelings and such. Give them something to play with, or put them in the back yard, and you can forget they are even there until mealtime.
3) Boys don’t care about bathing, so they don’t use much water.
4) Boys will fix things that are broken.
5) Boys can carry heavy loads.
6) Boys don’t mind crawling into spaces that you wouldn’t. (i.e. under the house or in the attic)
7) Boys will clean fish.
8) Boys are entertaining. They can play melodies with their armpits. Some can even take requests. They are also fond of building bicycle ramps, which can provide hours of entertainment.
9) Much like a surgeon’s assistant, boys will hand you tools while you work on your car.
10) Boys provide their fathers with excuses to buy toys for themselves.
But there will be challenges down the road.
My sister, a school teacher, sent me an email telling me that she ordered all of the "Boohbah" videos for the kid (www.boohbah.com). I looked at the website, and I was very disturbed. If you want your kid to become a heroine addict, get them hooked on Boohbah. Luckily, my sister was only kidding.
I wonder what sort of awful music my kid will listen to as a teenager. The kid will probably think my music is square. In my day, the evil in rock music was supposedly hidden in backwards messages. In today’s music, the artists just come out and say whatever they want. Scary.
There is also a new style of music, which combines "country" and "rap." Combine the two and you get "crap."
What kind of stupid hairstyles will my kid have? When I was in high school in the 1980s, we used to laugh at the pictures of students’ hairstyles in the 1960s and 1970s. Now I look back at the 1980s with bitter shame. Why didn’t somebody tell us that a permed, bleached mullet, combined with a flattop and lines shaved through the sides was a bad idea? And why, oh why, were we attracted to girls sporting the infamous "Wall-O-Bangs" hairstyle?
And what kind of piercings and tattoos will future kids want? Today, people pierce eyebrows, lips, tongues and privates. Some kids look like they fell into a tackle box. Will the kids of tomorrow want to pierce their entire head? When I was in school, they wouldn’t even let boys wear earrings.
For now, I will enjoy my peace and quiet. Next year, the age-old struggle of youth versus old age will begin!
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